Lifetime: The shark only attacks women.
Spike: Shark only attacks topless women who have just gone for a swim in the ocean to clean off after mud wrestling.
CNN: Billions For Iraq, Why No Money For Shark Defense?
Fox News Channel: Bill O'Reilly complains that the shark won't come on the No Spin Zone.
ABC Family: The Olsen Twins make friends with the shark, and it becomes a Protector of the Dolphins.
Disney Channel: Shark eats Bambi's mother.
Weather Channel: Shark makes a lunge at Meteorologist Stephanie Abrams, who is on shore covering a hurricane. The shark misses, and is promptly harpooned by Meteorologist Jim Cantore.
CBS: Special 48 Hours report on how George W Bush skipped out on shark duty in the National Guard.
PBS: Special Frontline Report: "Sharks vs The Creationists"
Nickelodeon: Linda Ellerbee talks with the kids on how they feel about sharks.
Sci-Fi: George Takei sets his phaser on "Sushi" on the latest Star Trek series spin-off
Court TV: Forensic evidence shows that it wasn't a shark at all, but a love triangle gone bad.
History Channel: Hitler's Plan to invade the American East Coast with a race of super sharks.
BET: A corrupt southern sherriff uses black kids for shark bait.
ESPN: "Top Ten Greatest Shark Attacks"
ABC: Brings back the Wide World of Sports for the Barney Cipriani Memorial Cliff Diving & Shark Escape Championship. Live from Acupulco.
TLC: Re-decorate your shark-fishing boat for under $1000.
TV Land: Runs Sea Hunt Marathon all weekend long.
Animal Planet: That Steve Irwin guy keeps irritating the shark until it swims out to sea.
Bravo: Four gay friends on their annual sponge-collecting outing encounter the shark and kill it. The grateful townsfolk of Amity reconsider their homophobia.
MTV: Ashlee Simpson gives you her thoughts about the movie, such as they are.
VH-1: Behind The Music: John Williams
AMC: Actually runs the movie Jaws
Turner Classic Movies: One-ups AMC, runs Moby Dick. Robert Osborne invites the audience to "call him Ishmael".
Hallmark Channel: Quint, Plain and Tall
Cartoon Network: Speed Racer competes in the Shark 500.
CNBC: How the shark attacks are affecting the Dow. The panel gives their anti-shark technology stock picks.
MSNBC: Feeds entire prime-time lineup to the shark.
Travel Channel: After its capture, the shark finds a new home in a brand new 1 billion gallon tank at the Bellagio. Part of Vegas Week.
QVC: Week-long special on all those shark bones that Quint boiled up.
HSN: Revolutionary New Shark Diet.
The WB: On the Gilmore Girls, the townspeople vote to use Sally Struthers as bait, after getting the idea from watching BET.
UPN: Single Moms try for the $10,000 reward for the shark.
EWTN: Roundtable discussion on whether a shark really is a fish and OK to eat during Lent.
TBS: Specially-trained TBS operators determine that yes, it really is OK to laugh at Jaws 3.
WGN: During some meaningless banter on the shark attacks during a Cubs' rain delay, the conversation quickly deteriorates into a rant of how unfair it is that the Florida Marlins have won 2 World Series so quickly, when the Cubs haven't won one since 1908.
E! : The E! True Hollywood Story: Murray Hamilton
FOX: The Simpsons visit Amity on vacation. Celebrity Guest Voice: Richard Dreyfuss.
FX: Anthony Michael Hall irritates everybody by predicting dozens of shark attacks that never occur.
A&E: Bill Kurtis investigates why the shark was let out on parole.
USA: Monk uses his obsessive-compulsive condition to observe telltale clues that lead him to uncover that the shark really is ex-co-star Bitty Schram out for revenge.
NBC: On Meet The Press, ex-GE CEO Jack Welch explains how the shark is merely providing a valuable service by differentiating the poor performers from the producers who keep civilization moving.
Written by Tom McMahon