The Movie Jaws On Different TV Channels

• Lifetime: The shark only attacks women.

• Spike: Shark only attacks topless women who have just gone for a swim in the ocean to clean off after mud wrestling.

• CNN: Billions For Iraq, Why No Money For Shark Defense?

• Fox News Channel: Bill O'Reilly complains that the shark won't come on the No Spin Zone.

• ABC Family: The Olsen Twins make friends with the shark, and it becomes a Protector of the Dolphins.

• Disney Channel: Shark eats Bambi's mother.

• Weather Channel: Shark makes a lunge at Meteorologist Stephanie Abrams, who is on shore covering a hurricane. The shark misses, and is promptly harpooned by Meteorologist Jim Cantore.

• CBS: Special 48 Hours report on how George W Bush skipped out on shark duty in the National Guard.

• PBS: Special Frontline Report: "Sharks vs The Creationists"

• Nickelodeon: Linda Ellerbee talks with the kids on how they feel about sharks.

• Sci-Fi: George Takei sets his phaser on "Sushi" on the latest Star Trek series spin-off

• Court TV: Forensic evidence shows that it wasn't a shark at all, but a love triangle gone bad.

• History Channel: Hitler's Plan to invade the American East Coast with a race of super sharks.

• BET: A corrupt southern sherriff uses black kids for shark bait.

• ESPN: "Top Ten Greatest Shark Attacks"

• ABC: Brings back the Wide World of Sports for the Barney Cipriani Memorial Cliff Diving & Shark Escape Championship. Live from Acupulco.

• TLC: Re-decorate your shark-fishing boat for under $1000.

• TV Land: Runs Sea Hunt Marathon all weekend long.

• Animal Planet: That Steve Irwin guy keeps irritating the shark until it swims out to sea.

• Bravo: Four gay friends on their annual sponge-collecting outing encounter the shark and kill it. The grateful townsfolk of Amity reconsider their homophobia.

• MTV: Ashlee Simpson gives you her thoughts about the movie, such as they are.

• VH-1: Behind The Music: John Williams

• AMC: Actually runs the movie Jaws

• Turner Classic Movies: One-ups AMC, runs Moby Dick. Robert Osborne invites the audience to "call him Ishmael".

• Hallmark Channel: Quint, Plain and Tall

• Cartoon Network: Speed Racer competes in the Shark 500.

• CNBC: How the shark attacks are affecting the Dow. The panel gives their anti-shark technology stock picks.

• MSNBC: Feeds entire prime-time lineup to the shark.

• Travel Channel: After its capture, the shark finds a new home in a brand new 1 billion gallon tank at the Bellagio. Part of Vegas Week.

• QVC: Week-long special on all those shark bones that Quint boiled up.

• HSN: Revolutionary New Shark Diet.

• The WB: On the Gilmore Girls, the townspeople vote to use Sally Struthers as bait, after getting the idea from watching BET.

• UPN: Single Moms try for the $10,000 reward for the shark.

• EWTN: Roundtable discussion on whether a shark really is a fish and OK to eat during Lent.

• TBS: Specially-trained TBS operators determine that yes, it really is OK to laugh at Jaws 3.

• WGN: During some meaningless banter on the shark attacks during a Cubs' rain delay, the conversation quickly deteriorates into a rant of how unfair it is that the Florida Marlins have won 2 World Series so quickly, when the Cubs haven't won one since 1908.

• E! : The E! True Hollywood Story: Murray Hamilton

• FOX: The Simpsons visit Amity on vacation. Celebrity Guest Voice: Richard Dreyfuss.

• FX: Anthony Michael Hall irritates everybody by predicting dozens of shark attacks that never occur.

• A&E: Bill Kurtis investigates why the shark was let out on parole.

• USA: Monk uses his obsessive-compulsive condition to observe telltale clues that lead him to uncover that the shark really is ex-co-star Bitty Schram out for revenge.

• NBC: On Meet The Press, ex-GE CEO Jack Welch explains how the shark is merely providing a valuable service by differentiating the poor performers from the producers who keep civilization moving.

• Written by Tom McMahon

Comments

[Maven]

good job. I got a good laugh this morning. :D

[david]

Excellent, Tom--thanks for the laughs!

[Nyx]

FUNNY!!!

p.s.
"The Strategy of Bingo. The Excitement of Chess."
had me rolling too. I IMMEDIATELY added you to my favorites!

[gary smith]

dear party ,
looking for the movie "claudelle inglish" starring Diane Mcbain from the early 60s' and the old movie "summer love" starring John Saxon .
sincerely ,
gary smith

[gary smith]

dear party ,
looking for the movie "claudelle inglish" starring Diane Mcbain from the early 60s' and the old movie "summer love" starring John Saxon .
sincerely ,
gary smith

[dad29]

Yah, hey. Out-STAND-ing!

You could have had MS-NBC's money-guys interview FoMoCo execs on how the shark "only ate the bottom 20% of people."

[Guy]

Is there an echo in here?

[Guy]

Is there an echo in here?

[Guy]

Now pitching for Manny Mota...

[Guy]

Now pitching for Manny Mota...

[Guy]

...Pedro Guerrero.

[Guy]

...Pedro Guerrero.

[Guy]

Oops, I meant "pinch-hitting"...

[Guy]

..."gnittih-hcnip" tnaem I ,spoO

[Colleen]

Barney Cipriani was my second cousin. I tried to bring up your article on the ABC Cliff Diving & Shark
escape challange but wasn't able to.

[robert]

I watched Barney Cipriani on TV but cant find any info on the internet about him.Can anyone tell me where to look?

[Mark]

I'd like to find information on Barney Cipriani as well. He was working as a lifeguard at a Miami hotel in 1961 or so when he taught me how to swim at the hotel pool.

[Mark]

I'd like to find information on Barney Cipriani as well. He was working as a lifeguard at a Miami hotel in 1961 or so when he taught me how to swim at the hotel pool.

[larry]

barney was my mentor ,, he passed years ago ,, he taught me how to high dive ,, and i lived and worked for him for many years ,, larry koch

[kenneth hayes]

Barney was like a father to me.Iwill never foget him. Ifirst met him at the Versailles hotel on Miami Beach, back in the early 70's.Iknew all his friends or at least met them. He made me the man I am today. My name is Kenneth Hayes (kenny). I would like to share stories of the good times we use to have--Please contact me at pokerkenn@aol.com--Hi Shawna, you could outdive me when you were 5 YRS. old

[Ron Dayka]

barney, lasso'd a swordish in front of the 'whispering palms hotel' in sunny isles, miami beach. he had the 'pool concession' and we had the 'restaurant' back in '67 to '72. RIP Buddy, i still show the newspaper clipping today, its unbelieveable!

[chanel watches]

barney was my mentor ,, he passed years ago ,, he taught me how to high dive ,, and i lived and worked for him for many years ,, larry koch

[Sharlene34Guerrero]

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