Via Photon Courier, an excerpt from Sheila O'Malley:
More than regret, more than sorrow, what I saw in his eyes was fear. Fear of the retribution of God.
"I know it's coming, Sheila. I have to pay for it. And I will. God stares down at me. He's starin' down at me right now. He's not angry, Sheila. He's just waiting. He's just waiting."
And suddenly I could feel the Presence, too, filling these dark chattering streets, and God's searchlight rested, immovably, on the murderer I befriended. It had been there all along.
Munch's "The Scream" has always seemed a little humorous to me: the psychedelic colors, the writhing figure, the gaping O-mouth. I have seen it so many times that it feels like third-hand information, fourth-hand. Nothing about my response to the painting is original or deeply felt. I know the image by heart, and that twisting figure had nothing to tell me. It was only then, watching the murderer I befriended break down, seeing the terror in his eyes, hearing his voice say over and over, "I'm gonna pay for what I done … I'm gonna pay, Sheila … I'm gonna pay for what I done …" that I understood. That I got Munch's message. The murderer I befriended had that gaping O-mouth of terror shining out of his icy eyes.
It was terror too great to be borne.
It was torment of the eternal kind.
It was facing the great abyss revealed by the pitiless searchlight of God.
God was patient. God could wait for the murderer I befriended to die of natural causes. God could turn His attention to other matters. There was no rush. But God would not forget. God had the murderer's name in a little black book. There were not enough years in eternity to make God forget "what he done".
And so the murderer I befriended hangs out with his hiccupping sidekick.
And so the murderer I befriended teaches kids from the Dublin slums how to build bookshelves and cabinets.
And so the murderer I befriended goes out drinking every night to obliterate the self that had done this terrible thing, to block out that patient searchlight.
And so the murderer I befriended waits. Just waits.
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