Tom McMahon

If Liberals Were Honest

If Liberals Were Honest

Daddy's Little Girl

Little Leah comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Leah's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Leah, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know Papa ," Leah says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the sh*t out of him."

from the latest Jewish Humor and Joke Page

A Bizarre Aspect of Individual Responsibility

From J Gravelle:

It's bizarre. Tell some people you quit using drugs and bought a condo, and you become a motivational speaker for their offspring. Brag that you quit using public transportation and bought a sports car, and they gasp in indignant horror, even though in both cases you've taken more individual responsibility for yourself while diminishing your burden on society.

Women and Men

From Planet Proctor:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Foureyes.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. (A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.)

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 77. A man would not be able to identify more than 20. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

How the Stock Market Works

Once upon a time in a jungle village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.The man bought hundreds at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

(From the Jewish Humor and Joke Page)

Not Quite As Dumb . . .

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

(link)

OFFICE OF GROUNDWATER TECHNICAL MEMORANDUM 2009.03

OFFICE OF GROUNDWATER TECHNICAL MEMORANDUM 2009.03

Subject: GROUNDWATER: Ground water versus groundwater

It has been a longstanding practice within the USGS to spell ground water as two words and to hyphenate when ground water is used as a modifier (e.g., ground-water hydrology). Ground Water Branch Technical Memorandum 75.03 (http://water.usgs.gov/admin/memo/GW/gw75.03.html) issued just under 35 years ago specified that the two-word form should be used.

Language evolves, and it is clear that the one-word spelling of groundwater has become the preferred usage both nationally and internationally. The one-word spelling has been used by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary since 1998. Most water-resources publications also use the one-word spelling, as do many technical groups, such as the National Research Council. With the emphasis on interdisciplinary science, many USGS scientists who are not specialists in the field commonly use the one-word form, as increasingly do many hydrologists within the Water Resources Discipline.

The term surface water has not seen the same language simplification that has occurred with the term “groundwater.” “Surface water” continues in the English language universally spelled as two words. Use of the two terms together spelled as “groundwater and surface water” has become common usage.

With this memorandum, we are making a transition to the use of groundwater as one word in USGS. Changeover to use of the one-word spelling in our publications and web sites will be accomplished as seamlessly as possible. Reports in preparation should be converted to the one-word spelling where this does not require a special effort. Reports submitted for approval after August 1, 2009, will be expected to use the one-word form. During this transition period, the one-word or two-word spelling should be used consistently throughout a publication.

William M. Alley
Chief, Office of Groundwater

This memorandum supersedes Ground Water Branch Technical Memorandum No. 75.03

You can find this memo at http://water.usgs.gov/admin/memo/GW/gw09.03.html

(via patriotboy.blogspot.com)

What The Jewish Kids Learn In Hebrew School

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
• The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

from here.

Proud Catholic Parents

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D, 24, 34" .

When she walks into a room, people say, "My God."

Bruce McCall: DeSoto Discovers The Mississippi

Bruce McCall: DeSoto Discovers The Mississippi

From this lecture by Bruce McCall.