Tom McMahon

Writing Things Down

From Joe Sherlock:

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks angrily, "Where the hell is my toast?"

F Minus

F Minus

Short on life lessons, precious moments, and pearls of wisdom, Tony Carrillo's “F Minus” takes on life's serious issues by pinning them to the ground and stealing their lunch money. (H/T: Stephen and my cubicle neighbor Ernie at UltraGlobalMegaCorp)

International Marriage Symbol

International Marriage Symbol

Write Your Own Six Word Memoir

One Thing Just Led To Another.

Pinot Noir

Pinot Noir

A New Bird Species Discovered By The Ex-Governor of New York

Spitzer Swallows:
A New Bird Species Discovered By The Ex-Governor of New York

Great News For Milwaukee

From Planet Proctor:

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found American beer drinkers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, beer drinking Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

For Aging Baby Boomers: Campbell's New Large-Type Alphabet Soup

For Aging Baby Boomers: Campbell's New Large-Type Alphabet Soup

Now THAT'S Funny!

Now THAT'S Funny!

In the 50+ years since this cartoon was drawn society has changed in so many ways, eh? Jerry Marcus bio here.

It Happened To A Dublin Band Leader

From Joe Sherlock:

A Dublin band leader was standing on aluminum platform when it was struck by lightning. He was completely unharmed but the music sounded awful. Said McGrath, who was sitting in the third row, "Sure and it confirms what I've always suspected - the lad's just not a good conductor."

I'll Have A Professional Cartoonist Explain This Cartoon To You

Harry Morton

Professional Cartoonist Mike Lynch:

I love cartoons that suggest a whole other world of events. What did Harry Morton do to this woman to make her marry a guy just to spite him (Harry)? Mr. Chon Day knows, but he ain't tellin'.

It's March 25, So I Have Just Two Words For You

Christmas Baby

I Need Your Help: In The War On Potholes, What Would Hillary Do?

I've got the first two, but can't come up with the third:

1. Obama: Would negotiate with the potholes.
2. John McCain (or George W Bush): Would bomb the Hell out of the potholes
3. Hillary: _____________________________________

Ideas?

The Young Minister

From Jill Fallon at Legcy Matters:

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the young minister was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. The young minister saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul.

As the young minister preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", and "Glory"! He preached and preached, like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car.

As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, the young minster overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

More Scottish Wisdom From Braveheart

More Scottish Wisdom From Braveheart

Braveheart

Braveheart

Too subtle?

Another Chon Day Cartoon

Another Chon Day Cartoon

The New Show From The Weather Channel: When Weather Was Weather

Inspiring interviews with the older generation about how they overcame weather conditions far worse than anything the kids face today, while maintaining a sunny disposition and a heartfelt gratitude for the few things they did have. Hosted by Wilford Brimley.

Hoosier Half-Wit

From Planet Proctor:

A man owned a small farm in Indiana and the State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help. "We need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," they demanded. 

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.  “Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me,” replied the farmer.

Hazardous Materials Data sheet

Hazardous Materials Data sheet

The Coexist Bumper Sticker Episode will be mere child's play compared to the trouble I'll get into for this one. Right, husbands out there? (from Bill Granger)

Then They Came For Me

THEY CAME FIRST for the Quarter Pounders with Cheese,
and I didn't speak up because I didn't eat red meat.

THEN THEY CAME for the fish fries,
and I didn't speak up because it wasn't Lent and I wasn't a Catholic.

THEN THEY CAME for the sugar,
and I didn't speak up because I was a diabetic.

THEN THEY CAME for the Cheese,
and I didn't speak up because I was a lactose intolerant.

THEN THEY CAME for me,
and by that time everyone was too hungry and weak to speak up.

  -- Tom McMahon 

Why the Socialists In The Democratic Party Have Such A Large Swelling of Pride And A Big Big Big Feeling Of Confidence These Days

S O C I A L I S T S  ::  S O C I A L I S T S  ::  C I A L I S

(from Lindsay Marshall commenting over at J-Walk)

The Difference Between Liberals And Conservatives

• L I B E R A L S  ::  L I B E R A L S  :: L I E S
• C O N S E R V A T I V E S  ::  C O N S E R V A T I V E S  ::  S E R V E S 

Safe Baby Handling Tips: A Book By David and Kelly Sopp

Safe Baby Handling Tips: A Book By David and Kelly Sopp

More here. The Sopps also run wrybaby.com

Polish Sausage

From Real Debate Wisconsin:

A guy asks a clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would you?

Would you?!?

'The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're at Home Depot.'

Packer Dog

From this collection:

A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog intently watching a Packers-Bears game.

Whenever the Packers scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance. This happened over and over as the Packers scored again and again. At the end of the game the dog let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar.

The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender, “What happens when the Bears win?”

The bartender replied, “I don’t know, the dog’s only 4 years old.”

The Singing Turkeys In West Side Story

The Singing Turkeys In West Side Story

Optimists Prime

Optimists Prime

What Are The 78 Differences Between Women And Men?

From the BBC via Neatorama, here are just a few:

• Men like to have all their stuff (DVDs, CDs, etc) on show to impress their mates. Women like to hide things in cupboards.
• For men, 2am is time for sleep. For women, 2am is time for a discussion about where our relationship is going.
• If you told a woman that you had just returned from a trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her interest by asking who you had gone with.
• A man can choose and buy a pair of shoes in 90 seconds over the internet.
• Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones that make you feel really bad and guilty until you surrender

Aging

Not old enough to know better
     "    "     "   "    "
 "   "    "     "   "
     "    "     "   "
 "   "    "
     "    "
 "   "
     "
 "

Thanks to Lawrence Stich for this one!

To Catch A Rabbit

A Maxim.com Joke of the Day:

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. Two hours later they come out with a badly-beaten bear who’s yelling, “OK, OK! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

The Blues Name Generator: To Sing The Blues, You Need To Know Your Blues Name

Blues Name Generator From Planet Proctor
Letter	Your First Blues Name	Your Middle Blues Name	Your Last Blues Name
A	Fat	Bones	Jackson
B	Muddy	Money	McGee
C	Crippled	Harp	Hopkins
D	Old	Legs	Dupree
E	Texas	Eyes	Green
F	Hollerin'	Lemon	Brown
G	Ugly	Killer	Jones
H	Brown	Hips	Rivers
I	Happy	Lips	Malone
J	Boney	Fingers	Washington
K	Curly	Boy	Smith
L	Pretty	Liver	Parker
M	Jailhouse	Gumbo	Lee
N	Peg Leg	Foot	Thompkins
O	Red	Mama	King
P	Sleepy	Back	Bradley
Q	Bald	Duke	Hawkins
R	Skinny	Dog	Jefferson
S	Blind	Bad Boy	Davis
T	Big	Baby	Franklin
U	Yella	Chicken	White
V	Toothless	Pickles	Jenkins
W	Screamin'	Sugar	Bailey
X	Fat Boy	Cracker	Johnson
Y	Washboard	Tooth	Blue
Z	Steel-Eye	Smoke	Allison
Rule	Use your first initial	Use your middle initial	Use your third initial
Example: TMM becomes Big Gumbo Lee from http://www.tommcmahon.net

Have fun, pass it on, and sing!

A Frenchman, A German, And A Russian Go On A Safari And Are Trapped By Cannibals

Via Grow-A-Brain, I got this from the Wikipedia collection of Russian Jokes:

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!"

Rules Of Engagement

Marine Corps Rules

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional, but, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always win. There is no unfair fight.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

US Navy Rules

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

From Jack Yoest, who also has the rules for the Army, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers, Army RECON, and Air Force. I can vouch personally for the US Navy Rules. ;-)

A Note From Harry, Age 78

I am a retired old codger. Working people frequently ask me what I do to make my days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi scumbag turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires and a cracked windscreen.

So I called him a butt head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

(from Earl Langridge via Jim Kohli)

Too Many Rules And Regulations: Why Flying Is Just No Fun These Days

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." (from Joe Sherlock)

Right-Wing Milwaukee Blogger Has Nazi Links!!!

• Adolf Hitler
• Heinrich Himmler
• Joseph Goebbels
• Hermann Goering

A Little Respect For Your Elders, Please

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

(via Joe Sherlock)

How Can You Tell If An Engineer Is An Extrovert?

When he talks to you he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Tim Cuprisin Wrong About Ann Coulter

From Tim Cuprisin's blog:

CNBC is repeating the episode of Donnie Deutsch's little-watched "Big Idea" show where Ann Coulter goes on a rant about how Jews should convert to Christianity tonight at 9 (Central Time).

Actually, Jews can convert to Christianity any night they want, at any time they want. Even if they live in that godforsaken Mountain Time zone.

And coming up later this week: The man with the wooden leg named Smith . . .

So These Two Irish Guys Were Sitting Next To Each Other At The Bar . . .

From Planet Proctor:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other says, "A lovely little area it was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

"Faith, and it's a small world, so did I!" the first guy says, "And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it -- I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!"

The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to himself, "It's going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again."

A Blind Fellow In A Department Store

A blind fellow walks into a department store with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, an assistant asks: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind fellow. "Just looking."

True Confessions

From Joe Sherlock:

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make a confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Fun With The North Korean Random Insult Generator

• You wicked human scum, we will mercilessly crush you with the weapon of singlehearted unity!
• You bloodthirsty philistine, we will resolutely smash your desperate war moves!
• You extra-large flunkey, such a provocation will be regarded as a declaration of war!
• You despicable hooligan, you would be well advised to behave with discretion!
• You half-baked traitor, you have glaringly revealed your true colours!
• You half-baked hooligan, we will transform your country into a sea of fire!
• You shameless gangster, we will resolutely smash your desperate war moves!

Roll your own here.

The Milwaukee Lefty Blogs Drinking Game

A little game to make your surveillance of the liberal side of the Cheddarsphere a little more palatable. Each of the following gets you one swig of any Wisconsin beer of your choice, unless otherwise noted:

• Wingnut (Double Swig on Plaisted Writes)
• Racist (Light Beer only)
• The tyranny of talk radio or equivalent
• Charlie Sykes
• Mark Belling
• Jay Weber (Double Swig)
• Jeff Wagner (Triple Swig)
• Rush Limbaugh
• Bill O'Reilly
• Fox News
• Faux News (Double Swig)
• A truly funny joke or story (One Entire 12-oz. Can)
• A failed attempt at humor (Light Beer only)
• Any sort of angry white male reference
• A low IQ reference to Republicans or conservatives
• Quoting a failed Democrat (Jimmy Carter, John Norquist, etc)
• Creepy John Hinckley-like obsession with Jessica McBride (Light Beer only)
• Any pointless Tom Tomorrow cartoon
• Homophobic, etc
• You're full of crap! (Triple Swig on Folkbum)
• Impeach Bush! in any of the Google ads
• Any over-hyped story from Media Matters
• Any ad for a 01-20-2009 countdown timer or merchandise
• Any reference to the Founding Fathers
• George W. Bush photoshopped to look stupid (Light Beer only)
• McCarthyism
• Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11
• Glowing references to Keith Olbermann
• Republican hypocrisy or conservative hypocrisy
• Cute baby pictures (One 12-oz. can - not everything is politics, you know)
• Any decent recipe
• Any decent non-vegetarian recipe (One 12-oz. can)
• Bob (if you are watching The Bob Newhart Show while surfing)

On the more frequent items I had to specify Light Beer in order combat The National Epidemic of Obesity. As for The National Epidemic of Drunkenness, you're on your own . . .

Southwest Airlines: Fly With Beaver!

Southwest Airlines: Fly With Beaver!

Such an ad campaign would not only tap into our nostalgic love of the iconic TV show, but would also resonate with the public's current perception of Southwest.

But the real fun of blogging is in this question: Which team of lawyers will be contacting me first, the ones from Southwest Airlines, or the ones from whichever media conglomerate owns the rights to Leave It To Beaver? Step right up and place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, place your bets . . . 

Why Are Married Women Heavier Than Single Women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

More at dribbleglass

The Moose Hunters

From Planet Proctor:

Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them he can take only three moose. The two objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the guys told him that the last bush pilot let them put all six on board and he had the same size plane as his.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, one asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" And his dazed partner replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

In Other Words, They Will Grow Up To Become Republicans

"If our children are healthy, they'll develop into their full potential and become wonderful tax-paying citizens sometime."
                   -- Rep. Steve Kagan (D-Wisconsin)

The Wizard of Oz 2: Revenge Of The Heart

The Wizard of Oz 2: Revenge Of The Heart

Never pick up a hitchhiker with an axe. Even if you're walking.

The Geeks x86 Assembler Prayer

Our Caller, who art on the stack frame
Hallowed be thy Parameters
Thy Address Space come
Thy I/O be done
In Registers, as it is in Memory
Give us this day our periodic timeslices
And forgive us our page faults
As we forgive those who page fault against us
Lead us not to unconditional JMPs
But deliver us from segment registers
For thine is the Address Space, the Registers, and the I/O ports
Jmp $
Ret

From The Coding Monkey himself, Nick Schweitzer. Believe it or not, I got an "A" in an Assembly Language course once. So I got that going for me, which is nice . . .

Joe Sherlock's Obscure References Meter

Joe Sherlock's Obscure References Meter

Dennis Miller, that's about as far as I go.

The Iowa Straw Pole

The Iowa Straw Pole

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill said, "Your house."

When Car Dealers Dream

When Car Dealers Dream

(From Joe Sherlock )

More Life Laws

1. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some blinking taxi would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
7. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

(from Dan Sparacino)

Jose And Carlos

From Planet Proctor:

Jose’ and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp, each holding a sign. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of dinero to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose’, how does he bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day? Jose’ says, "Look at your sign."

It reads: "I have no work and a wife & 6 kids to support."

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads:

"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

The Chihuahua, The Jaguar, and The Monkey

A chihuahua is out in the middle of the forest. Suddenly he notices a jaguar heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The chihuahua thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the jaguar is about to leap, the chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious jaguar.  I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the jaguar halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the jaguar.  "That was close. That chihuahua nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the jaguar.  So, off he goes.  But the chihuahua saw him heading after the jaguar with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the jaguar, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the jaguar. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the chihuahua sees the jaguar coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"  But instead of running, the chihuahua sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.  And just when they get close enough to hear, the chihuahua says, "Where's that monkey.  I just can never trust him.   I sent him off half  an hour ago to bring me another jaguar, and he's still not back!!"

(Told to me by Jim Kohli. Also found here.)

Pop Psychology Quiz: What Disease or Syndrome Do You Associate With Each Of Our 50 States?

Pop Psychology Quiz: What Disease or Syndrome Do You Associate With Each Of Our 50 States?

Make your own map and we'll get them analyzed together. A terrific way to tick off folks in all 50 states. Click on the map for a larger version.

Name Change: The American Symphony Orchestra League Is Now The League of American Orchestras

From Jay Nordlinger:

The American Symphony Orchestra League just announced a name change. From now on, ASOL is to be called the League of American Orchestras. The president and CEO of the joint was quoted as follows:

After 65 years as the American Symphony Orchestra League, we have decided to invigorate our name to reflect our renewed commitment to America’s orchestras. Through interviews with League board, staff, and membership, we discovered a universal desire for change . . . Working with our branding consultants, and after considering a wide range of options, we found that the League of American Orchestras is the one that makes the most sense. Webster’s Dictionary defines “League” as “an association of persons or groups united by common interests or goals,” and the emphasis on that word in our refreshed name builds on the equity already established by our history, while embracing our bold new future. Quite simply, it states most emphatically who we are.

Yeah, yeah. I just think ASOL wanted a better acronym.

The Changing Face Of The American Diet

At their upcoming national convention the American Dietetic Association will be debating a resolution changing The Most Important Meal Of The Day from breakfast to FourthMeal.

A Little Gift For My Southern Readers

Since to-day is 6 months until Christmas, I thought this joke from eBaumsworld would be appropriate:

A businessman from New York is driving through Mississippi on his way home for Christmas. He stops at a local store and notices the three wise men out front are dressed like firefighters. While inside, the man asks the clerk about it.

“You city folk think you know everything,” says the clerk as he reaches for his Bible. “But it says right here that the three wise men came from afar.”

Infuriating Phrases Competition: At The End Of The Day, You've Got To Give 110 Percent

From the Telegraph over across the pond:

Hundreds of readers took a few minutes off from shouting at the television to send an entry to our Infuriating Phrases Competition. The idea was to come up with a paragraph or two, no longer than 150 words, packed with as many infuriating words and phrases as possible.

And here's just one of the winning entries:

I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world, but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Going forward we need to be singing from the same songsheet but you can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean).