From Ben Johnson:
- If you blow off your genitalia on Christmas day, we will read you your Miranda Rights before ever noting what you say.
- If you shoot up an Army base killing 11 solders while yelling Allah Akbar, we will blame ourselves and our stressful wars of occupation, not radical Islam.
- If you are the self proclaimed mastermind of the most successful plot to kill Americans in history, and over see its bloody completion, we will be sure to try you in a respectable downtown Manhattan civilian court.
- If you attempt to kill thousands in Time Square, we will not even allow the words “Islamic Extremist” in the courtroom.
- *Brand New!* If you are an admitted Russian Spy bent on scrounging as many states secrets as you can from liquored diplomats in cocktail lounges, we will give you a free trip home and wont even trouble you with a trial.