Tom McMahon

Why There Has Never Been a Woman President

It's very simple, really. A woman (or a man) has to be at least 35 years of age. But as everyone knows from watching TV, science has proven that women over 40 suffer from mood swings, hot flashes, fits of anger, irritability, and a whole range of maladies simply unknown to men. So to be elected a woman would need to run when she's exactly 35 years old, serve 4 years, and leave office when she's 39. And that's why there's never been a woman President ....

An Elderly Man Lay Dying In His Bed

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

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Moon Photo From Last Night's Lunar Eclipse

Moon Photo From Last Night's Lunar Eclipse

The clouds over Milwaukee cleared just long enough for me to snap this photo. Otherwise, the eclipse itself was pretty unremarkable: Moon moves into the Earth's shadow, Moon catches on fire, Moon moves out of the Earth's shadow, fire goes out, something any amateur astronomer has seen dozens of times. The newbies always seem to be impressed, tho.

High Definition

High Definition

The Talking Frog

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend... but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

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How The Americans Beat The Russians in the Cold War

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long very wide Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck. The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian Wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

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Another Lone Ranger Joke

A cowboy walks into a saloon and says "Hey, who owns the big white stallion out front?" 

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?" 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead out there!" 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. 

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... 

"Nothin', but you left your Injun running".

So This Very Handsome Cabbie Picks Up A Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. 

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 

She asks him why he is staring. 

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' 

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' 

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

The Limits of Wisdom

“Cheer up;” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.”

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Understanding The Differences Between Religions

From here:

Three little boys were upset, because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So, they went to the nearest church to remedy the situation. Only the janitor was there, to whom they explained, "We need to be baptized, because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads into the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go ye forth and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on your head. We're not Babtis, because they dunk you under the water. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.”

At this point, the littlest one said, "Did you smell that water?" Another one mused, "I sure did! What do you think that means?" to which the oldest one answered, "I think it means that we're Pisscopalians."