Tom McMahon

Jimmy Crack Corn: The Movie

Actually, a whole movie franchise:

• Jimmy Crack Corn I: The Master Goes Away
• Jimmy Crack Corn II: Return of The Master
• Jimmy Crack Corn III: The Secret of the Bottle
• Jimmy Crack Corn IV: Revenge of the Blue-Tail Fly
• Jimmy Crack Corn V: Assignment: Miami Beach
• Jimmy Crack Corn VI: Seed of Jimmy

Walking Is Especially Beneficial During Pregnancy

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Why Is My College Graduate So Fussy?

An excerpt from The New Yorker:

It’s normal for college graduates to be fussy. It just means that they feel frightened, vulnerable, or confused. You can usually get to the root of the problem by consulting this checklist:

• Did somebody suggest that he “look for work”? Yes / No
• Did the subject of graduate school “come up”? Yes / No
• Has he been to a scary job interview? Yes / No
• Did he see a scary LSAT book? Yes / No
• Did his rock band “not get signed”? Yes / No
• Was he asked to “help around the house”? Yes / No

Zen Hot Dogs

From the Jewish Humor and Joke Page:

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything.

"The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris, the vendor, puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

Morris responds, ....."Change must come from within."

The Memory Test

From my usual source:

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

The Year is 1947

From the Jewish Humor and Joke Page:

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

• Albert A. Gore, Jr.
• Hillary Rodham
• John F. Kerry
• William J. Clinton
• Howard Dean
• Nancy Pelosi
• Dianne Feinstein
• Charles E. Schumer
• Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

Career Change

From Planet Proctor:

A down-and-out ventriloquist was advised by a friend to make a living by becoming a psychic, so he designed a three-tier fee structure.

His first customer said, “I see you have three readings available at $25, $50, and $100. What’s the difference?” “Well, “ explained the former vent, “For $25 I will tell you what you need to know in the voice of your deceased loved one. For $50, you can ask me specific questions and your beloved will answer them from the other side in their own voice.”

“And for $100?” asked the impressed client.

“For $100, sir, I will answer those questions while drinking a glass of water.”

So Three Blondes Were All Applying For The Last Available Position On The Texas Highway Patrol

From Grouchy Old Cripple:

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds, "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture. It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Jacob and Rebecca Get Married

Jacob, age 82, and Rebecca, age 79, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the manager?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds ."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

from the Jewish Humor and Joke Page

Married Men

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

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